


Today | L.DH

by heyits_allyyy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bad Writing, Established Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Suh Youngho | Johnny Are Siblings, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Mentioned Suh Youngho | Johnny, NCT Dream Ensemble Are Best Friends, OT7 NCT Dream, One Shot, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26006032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyits_allyyy/pseuds/heyits_allyyy
Summary: He didn’t know when he would take the time to make himself better.He just knew that it wouldn’t be soon.It could be in weeks,months or even in the next few years.But it wasn’t today.It never was.(or when I write a fic about my life but make Donghyuck the protagonist)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	1. o n e

**Author's Note:**

> Donghyuck,im sorry baby🤧💚

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"Hello, is anyone out there?  
Where is...  
Is anyone out there who can answer me?  
Is anyone there?"

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**“I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN UP!! YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THAT HUH?!!? WHY CAN’T YOU FOLLOW AFTER ME OR JOHNNY!?! WE CLEAN UP OUR MESSES,WE GO TO WORK,WE DONT COMPLAIN! JOHNNY HAS A WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND,A JOB,HE EVEN HELPS ME AROUND HERE! WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THAT?”**

He stayed still as his mom continued to scold him.

**_‘I...don't know. I can’t be like that mom. I can’t be like that because I’m not that. I’m me. I can’t be like my brother because I’m not him.’_ **

**“ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND ALL DAY! WITH THAT EXPRESSION OF YOURS ON! DONT THINK I DONT SEE IT! GO ON,YELL AT ME! I KNOW YOU WANT TO!”**

_**‘ This is my normal resting face. I’m not trying to look rude or be rude. I don't want to yell at you. I love you too much to do that...’** _

**“AND NOW YOU STAY STILL WITHOUT A WORD TO SAY! YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT ACTING LIKE SOME STRAY DOG THAT HAD JUST BEEN KICKED.”**

**_‘I’m sorry for looking like a complete idiot. I just don’t know what else to do.’_ **

**“YOU THINK I DON’T FEEL EMBARRASSED WHEN MY FRIENDS COME BRAGGING ABOUT HOW THEIR SONS AND DAUGHTERS HELP THEM CLEAN,COOK,ACTUALLY HAVE JOBS AND KEEP THEM?!? YOU THINK I DON’T FEEL EMBARRASSED BY YOU?!?”**

**_‘Trust me mom,I’m embarrassed at myself to. I trying to be a better son,I really am. But I can’t. I don’t know why....I just can’t.’_ **

**“WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WOKE UP AT DAWN AND DID EVERYTHING I HAD TO DO WITHOUT ANYONE TELLING ME DO SO!”**

**_‘yes mom. I know it’s my fault for not being like you.’_ **

**“WHEN FRIENDS COME OVER YOU DON'T EVEN CHANGE OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES! YOU EVEN ACT LIKE THOSE DEPRESSED IDIOTS THAT GO AROUND THESE DAYS! YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO EVEN HAVE DEPRESSION ANYWAY! BESIDES! IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING HAS HAPPENED FOR YOU TO BE DEPRESSED!"**

**"M-mom I-"**

_**"** _ **SHUT IT! JUST....just go to your room Donghyuck...just go...”**

Donghyuck stood up and bowed. His mother's face falling seeing the youngers face holding no emotion what so ever.

Once he got to his room and made his way to his small balcony, he sat down admiring the view.

He let out a breath.

**_‘Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

**_Don’t think about what just happened and you’ll be fine’_ **

But like always his brain betrayed him.

The event that just happened playing in his head over and over again. The words his mother yelled carved into his brain.

And like always,this led to a panic attack.

Also like always,he was dealing with it alone.

He had mentioned his panic attacks to his mom. She had listened and promised him she would be there when he needed her.

But true to his moms nature,she forgot quickly. Every time he would bring it up the woman saying **“Since when do you have panic attacks?”**

His breathing got cut short,the knot in his throat being too much for him to handle. Tears falling and his body shaking. Struggling to find his breath and trying to count numbers out loud.

Of course it didn’t work. It never did.

Oh how he wished he could say everything.

**“Mom,everything between you and dad hurt me. Johnny was always busy with school work or soccer and I was the only one here. I listened to it all. The fights,the shattered objects. When you thought I was sleeping, I was being a quiet listener. Like you taught me to”**

**“I never told you this but dad would abuse me with his words. Not that you didn’t either. When I was a kid you would always compare me with my own friends. You think that because I was a kid it didn’t hurt me? You think that because my brain wasn’t fully developed I wouldn’t remember?”**

**“You ask ‘where is the hyuckie I knew? The one that would play in the garden all day long and smile to every person he met.’ Mom he isn’t here anymore. He left a long time ago. Because of you and dad I had to mature quickly. I couldn’t live a normal childhood when every time I saw a couple I thought of you two. Wondering ‘are they masking everything like momm and daddy too?’ ”**

**“Mom I was bullied. I was....am different. Dark skin,chubby cheeks,nothing like everyones beauty standards. Why wouldn’t I be bullied? But you don’t know that because I never told you!”**

He let out a bitter laugh. His bottom lip spewing blood because of how hard he had bit it.

**“We moved. I made friends at my new school but you taught me to compare myself to others. So guess who couldn’t live without feeling bad about themselves every second on the day?”**

**“Yeah I cut. Johnny caught me one time and told you,remember? I said I wouldn’t ever do it again...but I lied. The scars are there but it’s not like you pay attention to me.”**

**“I starved. Remember the Super Bowl two years ago? By that time I had trained my body to puke out everything. Every time I grabbed a chip my body would take me to the bathroom. You caught me and said ‘you better not be turning into one of those kids with anorexia! Lord knows everyone will start saying how much of a bad mother I am just like they did with Mrs.Huang!’. I still did it.”**

**“I want to tell you how tired I am but you would just scoff and tell me “ ‘How can you be tired when all you do is sit around all day?!’ “**

Im tired physically but mentally,im dying. Would you even care though?

Theres so much more I want to say.

Donghyuck has practiced engaging a conversation and somehow bringing the words up but he would never say them.

He would write letters and even type out messages but would never send them .

Yeah,he was a coward. He knew.

Donghyuck looked at the city. The cars and neon lights making everything look like a scene from a movie.

He would always dream of running away. Packing his things and going to wherever his feet would take him.

Like Sam Gribley in that book Mark had given him to learn better English, **_“My side of the Mountain”_**.

He would learn to catch fish and cook up meals using the wild plants and animals located in the forest.

Have a pet eagle like Sam that would catch food and be his best friend.

Maybe even steal Sam’s idea of living in a tree...

But you know it all to well by now,he was a coward.

All he could do is sit on the balcony with nothing but a thin shirt and shorts on. The cold air making his nose and cheeks turn pink. His tears and thoughts being his only company.

He wish he could be brave and say something,anything!

But he just couldn’t.

He was afraid.

What if his mom just laughed at him? Would she even believe him? Johnny would probably laugh to. After all they weren’t as close as they used to be and would think that Donghyuck was only looking for attention.

He didn’t want to bother his friends as he knew they had problems of there own.

So he was alone.

Had been for a long time actually.

I mean,maybe in the future he can become better! He could learn to love himself,find his true love and finally tell everyone what he has been through. He could put in a effort to make himself look good and try to have a glow up. Try to be happier and give love knowing that it would come back.

In the future,though....

He didn’t know when.

He just knew that it wouldn’t be soon.

It could be in weeks,months or even in the next few years.

But it wasn’t today.

It never was.

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"Disappearing for no reason from me,  
Without saying a word 'bout it to me  
Well I mean, maybe it's a misunderstanding  
Weren't we just seeing each other in our dreams?"

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	2. t w o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this into a story hehe...

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"Why am I alone?  
When there's so many people around me  
Why am I alone?  
Feeling so lonely, I need, need somebody with me (eh oh)  
I need, need somebody with me"

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Everytime one of his friends called him crying,beaming happiness through the phone or just wanting to talk,Donghyuck _made sure_ he was there.

His friends knew that he would always listen to them and that he held useful advice.

There mistake though,was that they didn’t ask Donghyuck how he was. They didn’t mind telling him to come to there house at 3 in the morning,not knowing that all Donghyuck wanted after surviving another day was to sleep.

But it didn’t matter because there his _friends._

Donghyuck has to be there for them even if no one is there for him. As long as they are happy then he’s happy.

They wearn’t always like this. Jeno,Renjun and Jaemin started dating. Chenle and Jisung too. Mark….well he has had a couple of girlfriends and boyfriends but he insists that he has to focus on school first.

Donghyuck remembers when Jeno called him and told him he had a crush on Renjun,then Jaemin called and said he also had a crush on Renjun. Then Renjun called and said he had a crush on both of them.

All three asked him for advice. He gave it to them.

Donghyuck doesn’t know much about love but he has seen Johnny and Jaehyun together long enough to know what true love is. (Don’t forget all the kdramas and movies he has watched. Plus,his own little crush…)

He think's that he didn’t do a bad job because now Jaemin,Jeno and Renjun have been together for almost three years so,he is quite a matchmaker.

When Jisung called becuase he needed help with his school work. Even though Donghyuck is in a bad mental state,he still managed to get all A’s and pass the exams with a 127%.

He didn’t need his mother also telling him he was a good for nothing in school. (She has said it though but Donghyuck knows that it’s because the woman had run out of things to complain about.)

When Chenle called about how he wanted to do something for Jisung on Valentines day but didn’t know what to give the younger.

There was Donghyuck who went out of his way to make the best present ever. Even though that day no one called him nor invited him to the party they had thrown at Yangyang’s place.

And then everyone seemed to grow distant with Donghyuck. Maybe it was just his mind playing games (he was right) on him but he could sense that they where talking about him. (He didn’t know that they talked about how skinny and sad he looked though.)

At least one person still talked to him.

Mark.

Sweet baby lion,Mark.

Donghyuck didn’t need to get a call from him nor Mark had to make a call.

They both knew when they needed each other thank to them being childhood friends.

Donghyuck knew everything about Mark and Mark….knew almost everything about Donghyuck.

Donghyuck,Mark. Mark,Donghyuck.

It’s just how their friendship worked.

When they would “use there telepathy”,they two would meet up at the abandoned park leading towards the South side of Seoul.

They would talk about everything. Well,Mark did but at least he didn’t forget to ask Donghyuck how he was feeling.

Donghyuck thought that Mark was too good to him.

**_‘It’s only a matter of time before you leave me too,Markie.’_ **

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"Hello, anyone even there?  
Is there anyone who will accept me?  
Is anyone here?   
  
Appearing without a word to me  
Without a reason for holding me"

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The boy reached the park and sure enough there he was.

Mark was sitting on the hill,puffy eyes and quiet sniffles being heard making Donghyuck run to where Mark was.

The younger quickly hugged Mark and put the olders head on his lap while he whispering words of comfort.

**“H-hyuck this too much. I c-can’t take it anymore.”**

**“What is too much? Come on,talk to me bub...”**

Mark sniffled before speaking,

**“There is just so much going on. S-school,my job,baseball! God,we graduate in one month! The b-big game is in two weeks and there will be scouts there and I have t-to impress them or I won't get i-into college and t-then I- UGH! Theres so much pressure f-fot me to be p-perfect I can’t d-do it!”**

Donghyuck stayed quiet. _**“Pressure” “Perfect”**_

Words he sure was familiar with.

**“Since when has this affected you this much,bub? When did it start?”**

**“M-maybe since l-last month? Ever s-since my aunt t-talked to my m-mom about w-what kind of future I w-would have...”**

**“Hmm well since this has been going on for a while,why don’t you take some time off? Drop your job,school,baseball and family for at least a day and-“**

Mark sat up quickly. He looked at Donghyuck with a slight glare making the younger feel bad.

**“What?! I can’t do that Donghyuck! I can’t just drop everything! Not when im so close to my goal!”**

**“Mark you have too unless you want to keep breaking down like this. Listen-“**

**“NO! You can’t tell me what I should do becuase you have been perfect your whole life! You have a perfect life! What advise would YOU give?!”**

Donghyuck fiddled with his bracelet,Mark watching the others actions and realizing what he had said.

Mark looked at Donghyuck,the youngest of the two looking at the older and offering him a patient but sad smile.

_Almost as if this is something he always hears..._

**“your dad-….Hyuck im so sorry! God, im such a bad frien-“**

**“Hey,hey! Stop it! You aren’t a bad friend! You are the most caring,hardworking,passionate person in the world! Don’t you dare say otherwise,Mark Lee!”**

Mark smiled which,in true best friend nature,made Donghyuck smile as well.

**“Thank you Hyuck. Also,I actually do need your advice.”**

**“Well I was gonna tell you to take a day off. A weekend maybe? You can cancel everything and spend the whole day in bed,eating snacks,watching movies. You can even invite someone to spend the day with you!”**

Donghyuck shot him a wide smile.

**“Hmm,well I think I know who I want to spend a day with….”**

**“Huh? Who? I bet it’s Jaemin so he could give you cuddles! Or Renjun so he can cook for you but then Jeno would get jealous...OH! CHENLE SO YOU CAN PLAY GAMES ON CHENLE'S GAME CONSOLES! OR-“**

**“Hyuck,it’s you.”**

Donghyuck paused looking at Mark with a confused expression.

**“Me?”**

Mark laughed at Donghyuck who pointed his finger at himself.

**“Yeah,you.”**

**“B-but why me?”**

The older stopped and matched Donghyuck’s confused gaze.

**“Why wouldn’t it be you?”**

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"Why am I alone?  
When there's so many, people around me  
Why am I alone?  
Feeling so lonely, I need, need somebody with me (eh oh)  
I need, need somebody with me"

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Thus the next saturday being filled with laughs and joy.

Things Donghyuck hasn’t done and felt in some time.

The day ended with the two in Mark’s bed,Mark fast asleep and Donghyuck cleaning up the olders room before going to his own house.

Before leaving Donghyuck made sure to leave a note on his desk. He also made sure to stare at Mark,as creepy as it may sound.

Donghyuck couldn’t believe that a human being like Mark could exist. Not only was he handsome,he was also sweet,kind and so much more. Mark was what you would call perfect even though they had both decided to not bring the word up ever again.

By now im pretty sure you know who Donghyuck's crush is,right?

**“Thank you Donghyuckie. Mark hasn’t looked this happy since his senior year started..”**

Donghyuck smiled at Mark’s mom.

**“Don’t worry about it Mrs.Lee. He’s my bestfriend,it’s my job to be there for him.”**

**“Oh hyuckie,it seems like it was yesterday I was carrying you in my arms. Look at what a smart,mature,handsome man you’ve become.”**

The younger laughed, **“Thank you.”**

On his way back home he started to think about Mark.

Maybe it was time for him to grow out of his crush of six years. It wasn’t like Mark liked him back.

Who would like him?

Besides,he might find his true love in college. He still has a long way to go.

He would be lying if he said that he didn’t want Mark though.

Much like the unsent letters he would write to his mom,he wrote to Mark.

Ever since this crush of his started.

Sometimes he dreamt of a future with him and would write it in his letters. But,Donghyuck knows that all of them would be rejected.

One day he will tell Mark. He will tell him why he loves him so much,why Mark was perfect and how lucky he was to meet a angel sent from heaven. He would give the older a ten page essay about how much he adores Mark and would turn it in in less then thirty minutes.

He would. “Would” as in later. In the future.

It could be months or even in the next few years.

But it wasn’t today.

It never was.

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"As I'm keeping my silence  
Looks like everyone's left  
It doesn't seem right but a siren  
Rings so loudly in my head"

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe it was just his mind playing games...."
> 
> I want to clear up this line a little. 
> 
> As someone who had/has depression,2 types of eating disorders and anxiety, a lot of times your brain plays games with you(not a game of uno or candy land where everything is for fun). 
> 
> When in public you somehow feel like e v e r y o n e is looking at you or talking about you when in reality they might have just been talking about BTS's new release and didn't want anyone hearing them.
> 
> Your brain screams at you for eating so much. When you look in the mirror all you see is the fat that you have gained when in reality it's just your brain creating an illusion. You are thin to the bone but your brain insists that you have gained weight.
> 
> Sometimes you are the one that is right,the victim. But like always your head messes with you and that tiny little voice tells you "oh you over react. You are so selfish! Don't you see that everyone hates you yet you still wanna ask Ana for a hug? Pathetic"
> 
> I also want to clear up that the other dreamies aren't bad,nor do they not care about Hyuck. It's just that sometimes they forget about his feelings and will feel like not inviting him to the party is ok because Hyuck isn't the most social.
> 
> Ok that's all I wanted to say,I will go to bed now as it is 2:00 a.m where I live teehee <3
> 
> I appreciate your existence - 💚

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say something hehe. The whole dad and mom thing is something I added because I was watching a movie and thought that it would fit in this story too tehe. I also want to say that this is just me putting what my life is onto Donghyuck. But don't worry! I actually did tell my parents everything and have been going to therapy for almost a year now :)
> 
> Also,I really wanted to add the book "My side of the Mountain" by Jean Craighead George in here because,very much like Sam and Hyuck,I have thought about running away (Even though Sam actually does run away and goes to live on a mountain). I highly recommend it!
> 
> I kinda want to make this a actual story instead of just leaving it as a one shot or story plot idea hmmm....👉👈
> 
> Please let me know if any of you would like for me to make this into a whole story! I also have no problem if you want to take this idea or grab the words and altering them to fit your story. As long as you say that you got inspired by this fic im good hehe >.<
> 
> I really hope you liked this fic and I am so greatful you took the time to read it 💜 
> 
> I appreciate your existence - 💚


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